Ahhhhh, darkness at 4:30, freezing cold air, the sweet melodies of frequent noseblows, and inescapable Christmas music in every nook and cranny of the face of the earth….it must mean….it’s time for….
THE 9th ANNUAL (EXCEPT 1998) FESTIVAL OF…..THE TWELVE DRINKING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TDDoC)!!!
START DATE: THURSDAY, DEC. 8
LOCATION: Day 1: cb’s aka Charlie Brown’s on Route 1 in West Windsor NJ. http://www.charliebrowns.com/
Note: Day 2 advanced warning due to extra travel: New Brunswick
Now for the details. For those that are new to the TTDDoC, I’ve included
the following Guidelines. For those that are familiar with the TTDDoC format,
you may still want to re-acquaint yourself. It’s not as easy as riding a bike.
Guidelines-
1. For the purpose of the Festival, working days in which you could
drink AFTER WORK are considered “Drinking Days”. (I know that the term
“Drinking Days” causes some controversy every year as it is easily and often argued
that every day is a “Drinking Day”). Traditionally the Festival begins on
the date that allows 12 “Drinking Days” to occur prior to Christmas
Day – This year it’s the 8th of December. Unlike other chapters throughout the country (especially those in the greater San Jose area), there will be no special exceptions due to plant closings, postal holidays, moon/earth alignments or other such nonsense. The twelfth day of the event will as always occur on Dec. 24 (unless otherwise dictated by non-democratic mandate, such as this year).
2. Attendance is scored by showing up and drinking with your friends,
colleagues, soon-to-be-friends, and assorted annoying bores. Any action to discourage someone from showing up simply because they have bad breath, poor eating manners, or are a pompous ass is severely frowned upon. This is good fodder for the stats (see guideline # 7). However, unwillingness to imbibe can of course be held as a strike against any otherwise worthy candidate.
Tradition has it that there is a one-drink minimum to be awarded a Point. Anyone on travel during The 12 Days & gathering in the spirit of The 12 Days will, of course, be considered participants if they 1) are actually drinking and 2) submit Stats. Phoning in alone does not enable point awardance but is highly encouraged to aid the home team in stats preparation. Drinking by yourself does not count, and drinking with some casual loser work friend if that loser is not involved in the larger effort does not count either. If you want a point for drinking with that casual loser work friend, you will need to drag them out to multiple mainstream TTDDoC events in order for your miserable time with
them to count. If you choose not to imbibe, NO POINT FOR YOU, however, we’d still like to see you out. Whoever has the highest Tally of Points
on Day Twelve will be awarded a coveted TDDoC trophy, and, as always, be obligated to abuse those that fell short in their quest to be the champion for their lameness. Never mind that
said trophy has NEVER been awarded. It sounds good on paper.
Far and away the most significant value of the point system is to incur
repeated heated discussions, fisticuffs, and “airing of the grievances”.
Please keep this in mind and argue about points that you “should have had”
as often as possible.
3. Any adult-beverages consumed outside these events (weekends, from
the bottom-drawer at work, at breakfast.. .) is regarded as Practice for
The 12 Days and will not be scored. However, as in any hard-core sporting event, practice
is highly encouraged.
4. Events are to be held in a different pathetic central NJ establishment
each of The 12 Days. Suggestions for events at further-away locations are, as always, highly encouraged, and yet, as always, highly unlikely.
5. Invitees are by no means limited to those addressed in this initial
distribution. This is an open invitation. Any stiff that you can drag out is more than welcome. Participants should also encourage breakout chapters in other sections of the country. Once again, the San Jose CA and Dulles VA chapters will also be in full working order.
6. Family events, work parties, watching Alf re-runs, having to “wash
your hair” that night, spending time with loved ones, etc. are to be
considered POOR excuses for missing TDDoC events. These may be important during
other parts of the year but during the TDDoC festivities, please try to focus on
what is really important, i.e. “Where are we drinking tonight?”.
7. Which brings us to the daily Stats.
a) Stats are to be published the following day, with enough time to
prepare for that day’s event (i.e. before/during lunch), by an elected or forced stat-writer. This
responsibility traditionally rotates between participants. Amendments
and/or additions to the original published Stats are not only welcome but,
in fact, encouraged (Different points of view can be awfully amusing). HOWEVER, rebuttals should stick to the general topic of TDDoC and the stats. Using the distribution list for sharing of personal jokes, “cool” newspaper articles, and/or naked pictures of one’s own butt are highly discouraged and the author will be placed on distribution for every internet junk e-mail list possible.
b)The Stats have generally been a free-form record – Including, but
not limited to, the night’s activities (should at least cover the basics,
where when who etc), discussion topics (politics, sports, fashion, WHATEVER),
liquids consumed (cooking/dipping oils and food condiment consumption are
especially welcome here) and any patriotic songs sung.
c)Include an announcement/proposal as to where the next night’s gathering
is to be.
d)And the running Point Tally.
e)Stats are an ideal forum to introduce Suggested Topics for that night’s
discussion. Throw out a topic or two you (the scribe) would like to see
tabled during the night’s activities. This of course may (and likely will) be completely
ignored.
f)Stats of course need not be true!! Embellishment and downright manufacture of the details is
highly encouraged!
g) Note: Use of the word “scribe” itself is highly discouraged in East Coast chapters.
8. WHYYY?? call: It is standard for the first person who shows at that night’s event to vent their frustration from having to sit at the bar by themselves like a huge loser by calling another participant on their cell phone and yelling “WHY????” into the phone, which is of course short for “WHY am I drinking alone?”. Per custom, it is encouraged to then hang up the phone prior to allowing the recipient of the phone call to respond in any manner. No special bonuses are awarded for this other than the personal satisfaction of taking out your societal anger on an unsuspecting other party.
9. Contests, competitions, shenanigans: Contests such as no-repeat beer quest (not repeating a brand/style of beer for the entire 12 days), no-repeat tequila shots, drinking your drink out of another’s shoe, duels at 20 paces, and of course footraces are highly encouraged.
10. Alleged celebrity sightings: Always encouraged, always highly unlikely. I believe that there has been only a single alleged celebrity sighting in the history of the TDDoC: the alleged sighting of Lilleth from Cheers in the Main Street Bistro circa 1999. Please try for more, and if encountered do your best to engage them in either (1) drinking heavily or (2) mean-spirited fisticuffs.
11. (New for 2005) Hard liquor of the day: The first person at the bar (or first person that cares to do so) is encouraged to name a hard liquor of the day, and all are encouraged to imbibe in said liquor at some point during the evening, be it in a mixed drink, shot, straight up, or pouring it over one’s own head. Shouts of “ALRIGHT, WHERE’S THE HARD LIQUOR?” (copyright The Thomas E. Hawker Foundation) should of course accompany said activity.
So, without further adieu, clear out your calendar and load up your office desk drawer with hangover remedies!!
For more information on responsible decision-making regarding beverage alcohol consumption, go to http://www.centurycouncil.org/about/about.html
